The past few weeks have been incredibly tough to say the least. For those of you that haven’t heard Dad’s story, you can read about it here [The Young's Journey Home]. I have sometimes felt like I could repeat Dad's story over and over like a broken record. Other days I would rather just lock the door, talk to no one, and cry. I feel like my brain is programmed to reply, “He’s ok,” whenever someone asks how he’s doing now. It seems that I cannot make it through a single prayer or song of worship without tears flowing down my face. It just doesn't make sense that life must go on right now.
We did not go to church on Sunday because I was too worried I would not be able to hold it together. However, we did watch the service online. Our pastor held a special time of confession and prayer. He led everyone to write down requests and lay them at the altar to be prayed for by other members of our church family. Then he asked those that are struggling, those that are hurting, those that are dealing with sickness or loss to stand so that our church could specifically pray over them. And I realized, there are so many others in pain right now as well. This life is hard. The past few weeks have constantly been up and down. I have felt the excitement of one step forward followed directly by the kick in the gut of two steps back. The Lord continuously tells us in his word that it will not be easy. But until you truly face something that breaks your heart, you never have a chance to fully understand that. I have felt selfish for being so upset. I have found myself angry that I cannot seem to be encouragement for others right now. My brokenness has made others see the worst parts of me. I have felt like my tank is empty, and I'm running on the fumes of emotion. I sometimes feel like my joy is gone. And then- God speaks. Let go, and let Me hold you. My many car rides lately have contained these Amy Grant lyrics in addition to some sobbing and praise...
"We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody. Beautiful, the mess we are. Honest cries from breaking hearts are better than hallelujah."
Being broken doesn't make you weak. Let me say that again for my own sake, being broken does not make you weak. Tears can be a reflection of strength. Crying out to God in the middle of your misery makes you a WARRIOR! Honest cries from breaking hearts are better than hallelujah to Him! How wonderful is that news in the midst of sorrow! “Every tear I cry, You hold in Your hands. You’ve never left my side. Though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.” God just wants us to be completely honest with Him. After all, we can’t fool him anyway. The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). He wants us to fear the future. He wants us to doubt God’s plans. BUT God came so that we may have life to the full! We are allowed to be sad- Jesus wept. He understands the hurt and sorrow, and He desires for us to cling to Him in those moments. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted- we are never alone! Therefore, the Lord says that we are not allowed to worry. We must trust in Him. “I sought the Lord, and he answered me. He delivered me from all my fears.” –Psalm 34:4. It is wholly trusting in God when you have nothing else to hope in. When you literally have no other choice but to fall on your knees with open hands- that is when you realize that He is a GOOD Father, always. I have realized that I have to make a conscious decision every single day to choose joy! “The joy of the Lord is our strength.” -Nehemiah 8:10. Our God will never change- no matter the circumstances life has you in. The truths I am holding tightly in my grip right now are that God is who He says He is, and God can do what He says He can do. My God works miracles, and my God’s promises are true. I AM BELIEVING GOD!!
“Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh… Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because great is your reward in Heaven.’” –Luke 6:21 & 23